tentative finality

I am sick. And I never get sick.
I wonder if anyone ever died from drinking expired milk.

Erin is the kid that will take my place here in Maryland. Moving home soon to face the challenge of keeping myself busy. Europe is a big tennis match happening in my head. I sometimes think that this will be the last chance to do something like this but then that isn't very optimistic. A lot of people keep telling me i have nothing to worry about.

To be honest I feel one step out of place from humanity. My mind lifts out of my skull and i'm suspended a few inches above my head, but then i remember, i'm sick.

Malaka came back and it was really great to see her again. A truly unique peace comes over me to see her. i'm glad that she is experiencing all that she is experiencing.

Yelled with Lia over a comparison that leaves a bad taste in my mouth but then this is all chalked up to my judgemental/distrustful nature and a new perspective of my own double standards. I tried an experiment and became mindful of this little characteristic of mine when I was playing with Randy and Jeff this morning and I realized that i have to concentrate to avoid this way of thinking. So be it. The more i do it the better i will become at it. Jeff and i have a lot more in common than i could have ever expected. too bad that probably means we will be gaurdedly open with each other. We seem to be in the same occupational limbo however he is a bit more put together.

I hate beer.

I rediscovered drumming. I have such a love/hate relationship with it. Rather, i hate what it points out in me. failure in life and the unavoidable drive that comes over me when i'm doing something like it. my terrible attention to detail and my inability to over look it and process it at the same time. acceptance i suppose. i love that i can do it. drumming, not acceptance. hearing about people in other places doing it is inspiring. makes me want to drop everything and try to travel with it.

Omar called today and also trying to meet up with him to do some drumming. His dj friend recording beats as well. That would be a definite blast.

I must point out how funny it is that anytime i make a drastic move in my life there are a hundred happenings before i follow through that make me think that i may be doing the wrong thing. Ah me'. It's got to be my perspective.